My Story

I think I was born a little different than what is perceived as ‘normal’. I’ve always felt my brain is overactive and I feel emotion far too much. As far back as my memory can take me, I’ve felt anxious about certain situations. It wasn’t until I was twelve that I was informed these feelings had a specific name, I just thought it was known as life.

I think I truly started to question how different I was from my friends when my parents separated. The separation didn’t last long, only a day or so after my father realised what devastation he had caused. However, my mind didn’t comprehend that my father had come back, but carried on questioning ‘who is next going to leave?’ My grandfather was next to leave, then my friend Chris due to a traffic incident, followed by another close friend who fell into a coma who fortunately woke up. Death visited my family and took one of the most inspirational, caring people I had the honour to know from me, my grandfather. I dealt with my grief by locking myself in my bedroom with a box of tissues.

The Summer proceeding the darkness lingering around in my mind, I was too afraid to go to birthday parties, sleepovers and even school. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my own home when I was too concerned that someone would be packed up and ready to leave me as soon as I entered the school gates. As the final school bell rang I’d run to the bottom of the school drive and wait for my mum to pick me up whilst rubbing my hands together and holding tears back if she was more than 5 minutes late. Finally my mum decided it was time to seek help. I was referred to an NHS child Psychologist which did wonders for helping me cope. Slowly but surely I was able to go to the cinema with my friends, go to girly sleepovers and go back to school.

For years I was coping, but ever since starting University my self-confidence and Depression have fallen hard and fast. I realised there were new things weighing me down. I received an F1 in an essay and it was finally concluded I had Dyslexia. The isolation of first year plunged me into suicidal thoughts, and once my isolation was resolved by meeting my boyfriend, I am constantly scared that he is going to leave me due to finding someone better. I trust him, I just don’t believe I am good enough for him. Similar to how I don’t believe my intelligence is good enough to achieve a respectable grade at University.

I broke down in my boyfriend’s arms, expressing the ways in which I plan to commit suicide, and that’s when I began my journey into the NHS mental health system. I pushed all my friends away, the only friend I had was my Doctor, and I was constantly dreaming of how I could end it all. I am seeing a therapist now and on a ton of medications, but this is where my story ends and my adventure of a better life begins…

I realise I am one of the luckier than most. I have fought through and achieved a first class honours from a prestigious University. I never did try to commit suicide as I found help at the peak of my darkness, but for every person that finds a way to control their emotions there are around ten in the shadows that never do. Fighting Depression, Anxiety and other mental health issues is a constant, daily battle but there is hope. So please, read my experiences, share your understandings and we can make it through, together.

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3 thoughts on “My Story

  1. I love your site. I love the stories that you write and the style in which you write them. For the first time today, however, I took the time to read the “My Story” section, and to view your “My Little Sketch Book.” Like you, I too have at times struggled with depression. I still struggle with anxiety. What I want to tell you, however, is that you can overcome these. While they may not ever go away, you’ll learn creative techniques to help yourself. And you need to, and here’s why. You are IMMENSELY talented. Your writing is human, it goes to the heart and it is not just words on paper, it is written to be read. Your art work is incredible. You are beautiful. Your future is blindingly bright. I believe that the struggles you have faced are simply preparing you for the great things that you will do with your life. I think, as I have already seen and felt with your stories, that you are on this earth to guide others, like you, through their darkest moments and to bring them safely out the other side. Keep being a light for others. Thank you for sharing your amazing self and stories with all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know what to say…you’ve took my words away! Such kind kind words and I thank you so much for them, they’ve really made my day. I hope you can beat your depression and anxiety as you’re clearly an extremely caring person who deserves the best out of life.

      Like

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