I worry way too much, all the time, about everything and it drives me insane. I worry about worrying, and I worry that I’m not worrying. I wish I had a switch to disable my mind, but unfortunately I have to bear with it and instead try and change my thoughts. Sometimes I think my worrying helps to keep me focused on what I can do to change the outcome of a situation – I recently applied for new job and I worried for weeks about the interview, I didn’t sleep the night before, so I worked hard just to stop my worrying…I worked so hard that I got the job which made me think maybe worrying isn’t always a negative? But sometimes when I’ve played and replayed every possible situation in my mind and I’ve done all I can to let go of a thought, yet my mind keeps repeating the same questions, it can be difficult. It can be more than difficult, life can feel completely impossible. Being honest, a combination of depression and constantly worry is terrifying and extremely tough, one that tortures my psyche too much at times…but right now, I feel my depression is subsiding, my black dog has shrank and is now a cute fluffy puppy…but I can’t help but worry it will come back with one hell of a bite soon enough.
It’s a new year and people often says that a certain year was difficult and that they never want to relive it again, “new year, new me”. But the truth is, there is hardship in every single year, it’s called life. Nothing is perfect and easy all the time and sometimes the things most worth fighting for are the hardest. So instead of wishing for an easy year I am going to wish for a year with courage and strength to face each day and each challenge that is thrown at me. I’ve figured that it’s not about stepping into a perfect world, sometimes it’s about meeting those hard and ugly parts of the world and pouring an essence of beauty into them. So I will not hope for great successes and constant happiness and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I will hope for growth and will remember to always live in love and pour out the passions of my heart. I’ve admitted to myself that part of me will always be a deeper and much darker ocean, it was a piece of me from birth, but those hauntings and pangs of pain serve as part of my purpose. Knowing the depth of my ocean that seems to have no bottom are helping me learn and to empower myself through pain and hard times.
The outcome of the year will depend on what you are prepared to invest in it and how much you are prepared to open your heart. Each year isn’t a fortune cookie or one of “may the odds be ever in your favour.” Whether this year is easy or hard might not be in your control and it will be hard at times but whether this year is worth it is all in your control. Complete what you start and be committed to each choice you make. Commit to yourself, to people, to love and commit to your mental health.
After all, what is a world without sad times and low moments? Without those we wouldn’t notice happy times and the highest points in our lives.