Have you heard about the spoon theory? Ever since my friend linked me to it about a year ago, I think about spoons all the time, strange I know but stick with me!
In short, extremely short, spoons are a metaphor for units of energy. When you have depression or another illness or disability, unit of energy can be few and far between. We all have our good and bad days.
I wanted to share the Spoon Theory with you today because I’m aware that the person I appear to be on my blog doesn’t look sick, if anything my blog makes me look pretty polished at times. I have makeup on, I talk about how I’m feeling that little bit better and I appear to be quite a high functioning person.
But see, I only blog on the days that I have lots of spoons, I get pretty much nothing done on the days I have a lack of spoons.
I’m not the high functioning person I appear to be on my blog. When I’m low, I’ll do all work necessary but I can’t go above and beyond. I won’t go and see my friends, I’ll just get home put on my pyjamas and lie in bed not really doing anything…not even sleeping. I am far from perfect, I’ll sleep in at weekends, and I’m usually not able to sleep until 1am and that’s when I get anxious about being tired the next day and usually end up crying myself to sleep. After a restless night I’ll wake up, jump in the shower and poke at my swelled eyes until I feel like I can function enough to put on some mascara to make myself presentable, but to also hide the swelling from my tears the night before. I guess I’m just…human.
This blog may look good, but it took time and each post takes a lot of effort. I worry about my Dyslexia, wondering if anyone can even understand what I’m trying to say, or care what I’m saying…?
The thing is, I’ve lived with depression for a good 3 years now, so I’ve had a lot of practice in coping and I do devote a good chunk of my life to this blog.
The chances are, your strengths aren’t pretty on paper, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have any. Most people have talents that you can’t even link to, like if you are in high school and you have depression, there’s probably no way you could run a blog on top of all your other responsibilities.
What I’m trying to say is that self-esteem is a biggy. It’s a really big deal and I think that is what I struggle with massively. I need to give myself a little credit for the things I do. Maybe I don’t have someone flying up from Hollywood to make a film about my life, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a superhero for fighting for this long and this far. But it isn’t all about me, each of us have a ton of struggles that the rest of the world doesn’t know about. I am not perfect, not even close. You don’t have to be either. You fucking rock for doing everything you do. Don’t forget it!