I once felt like a cup of water…stay with me…a cup that’s not half empty, but half spilled. Spilt and broken all over through floor with anger and pain and then I’ve been stood on and kicked across the room, but more recently I feel like a cup half full.
Today I came to a realisation; that I have a track record of making it through every single day up to today. No matter what choices I’ve made, what mistakes I’ve made, or shit that has been thrown my way, I am still here writing this blog. That counts in a way that nothing else compares to and many don’t have this choice, some have their lives taken away instantly with no questions asked.
Not long ago I feel I reached my limit of tolerating my body’s symptoms, I lay in bed for hours clutching onto my boyfriend, crying and panicking uncontrollably telling him about how I can’t “do life”, life isn’t for me, all of this over an exam.
It took all my energy that week just to keep breathing. Thinking about it now, I will always get that energy back, but if I died that night no one would ever get me back, not even myself. This one last push has turned my life around, I am honestly so proud of myself. At this rate, I think I’ll feel more or less normal again, depression wise. I can do this. It may be slow, it may hurt like hell, but I will survive. I am going to have to take it day-by-day, one hour, minute, second at a time.
I have a lot to share with you guys and I really want to help you get to where I am now, but at the moment I’m still not fully there so I can’t share my words of wisdom with full confidence just yet. If you feel spilt and/or broken, it doesn’t mean you’re not strong or that you shouldn’t be in this world, it means it’s taking all your strength just to hold on, and holding on is the most important thing we have. No matter what, you are winning this battle.