Hang on

I once felt like a cup of water…stay with me…a cup that’s not half empty, but half spilled. Spilt and broken all over through floor with anger and pain and then I’ve been stood on and kicked across the room, but more recently I feel like a cup half full.

Today I came to a realisation; that I have a track record of making it through every single day up to today. No matter what choices I’ve made, what mistakes I’ve made, or shit that has been thrown my way, I am still here writing this blog. That counts in a way that nothing else compares to and many don’t have this choice, some have their lives taken away instantly with no questions asked.

Not long ago I feel I reached my limit of tolerating my body’s symptoms,  I lay in bed for hours clutching onto my boyfriend, crying and panicking uncontrollably telling him about how I can’t “do life”, life isn’t for me, all of this over an exam.

It took all my energy that week just to keep breathing. Thinking about it now, I will always get that energy back, but if I died that night no one would ever get me back, not even myself.  This one last push has turned my life around, I am honestly so proud of myself. At this rate, I think I’ll feel more or less normal again, depression wise. I can do this. It may be slow, it may hurt like hell, but I will survive. I am going to have to take it day-by-day, one hour, minute, second at a time.

I have a lot to share with you guys and I really want to help you get to where I am now, but at the moment I’m still not fully there so I can’t share my words of wisdom with full confidence just yet. If you feel spilt and/or broken, it doesn’t mean you’re not strong or that you shouldn’t be in this world, it means it’s taking all your strength just to hold on, and holding on is the most important thing we have. No matter what, you are winning this battle.

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8 thoughts on “Hang on

  1. It brings me joy to read that you are trying to take your life back. You must be a very brave individual. There’s always those moments when you have to stare depression in the face and decide who is going to win. And, while in many of those moments the easy solution would be to just let your depression take over, the true warriors have the resolve to keep going despite the pain. I am happy you have made it this far, and I hope that you continue to have more victories even if they are small, in your future.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for those comments – they mean so so much to me. It has been so difficult but now I’m coming out of the other side the struggle has been worth it. Thanks again, I wish you the very best from life.
      Rachel x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the heartfelt words. I encourage you to continue sharing. I haven’t fully arrived to where I want to be yet, but I feel the need to share what I have learned along the way. I’m sure you have a lot more excellent guidance to provide 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry I’ve been away for a while! I am sure you have the strength and motivation to get to where you want to be, it might just take a while to find it – so dig deep and find it. I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog and will be posting very soon!

      Like

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