Lately, my life feels a little messy, a little out of control and I can’t tell where I am going to end up. Although mostly positive as I’ve just achieved a first class honours degree in Marketing with minors in Psychology and bagged my dream job, I feel slightly lost, yet excited. I feel like my depression mind and my rational mind are betraying themselves but the depression side is winning and shattering my rational into pieces. I’m worrying more, but excited for my future – is this insanity?
Well, apparently it’s not; it’s normal and is better known as change. The thing is with change is that I hate the unknown and unfortunately, that is exactly what my future is, a change in the unknown.
In today’s society I feel like there are so many things to get obsesses with, fall into, numb ourselves with and explain away our feelings. We jump in head first into losing weight, alcohol, making money. We blame it on others, on stress, bad weather and it’s just exhausting.
…caterpillars, caterpillars change and I am currently thinking; “although a cliche do caterpillars know that once they are set free from their cocoon that they will be able to fly!? Or do they just sleep, wake up and think what the hell is going on!?” They probably hate their life whilst making their cocoon, all of their friends who aren’t changing with them are asking why they don’t “hang out” with them anymore and have become “selfish”.
But, later on when the cocoon process is over and the caterpillar has turned into a beautiful, radiant butterfly, they either forget that they felt insane whilst building their cocoon or just try not to think about it. They just show off their elegant wings and forget about the process that got them there.
Yet, although we can try and forget the process, we can never skip it entirely. The process is a journey and whenever we think it’s over it’s really just the beginning. I feel like I’ve made thousands of cocoons in my 22 years, but I feel like I have millions more to make over my lifetime. I am constantly evolving and it isn’t cut and dry, it’s real and emotional – but I am finally realising that that is ok.
I’ve come to the conclusion that caterpillars do feel self-loathing, confusion and depression, but they are so small and so are we! Have you ever thought about how small we are? How many of us fight with our minds and feel totally alone? But we aren’t, we’re all just struggling out there to build a cocoon and turn into who we’re meant to be.
So, I am going to start my new job with a new, content mind, non of these juxtaposing thoughts. I can and will try my best to start building my metaphorical cocoon and I hope you guys will too.