Lately, my life feels a little messy, a little out of control and I can’t tell where I am going to end up. Although mostly positive as I’ve just achieved a first class honours degree in Marketing with minors in Psychology and bagged my dream job, I feel slightly lost, yet excited. I feel like my depression mind and my rational mind are betraying themselves but the depression side is winning and shattering my rational into pieces. I’m worrying more, but excited for my future – is this insanity?

Well, apparently it’s not; it’s normal and is better known as change. The thing is with change is that I hate the unknown and unfortunately, that is exactly what my future is, a change in the unknown.

In today’s society I feel like there are so many things to get obsesses with, fall into, numb ourselves with and explain away our feelings. We jump in head first into losing weight, alcohol, making money. We blame it on others, on stress, bad weather and it’s just exhausting.

…caterpillars, caterpillars change and I am currently thinking; “although a cliche do caterpillars know that once they are set free from their cocoon that they will be able to fly!? Or do they just sleep, wake up and think what the hell is going on!?” They probably hate their life whilst making their cocoon, all of their friends who aren’t changing with them are asking why they don’t “hang out” with them anymore and have become “selfish”.

But, later on when the cocoon process is over and the caterpillar has turned into a beautiful, radiant butterfly, they either forget that they felt insane whilst building their cocoon or just try not to think about it. They just show off their elegant wings and forget about the process that got them there.

Yet, although we can try and forget the process, we can never skip it entirely. The process is a journey and whenever we think it’s over it’s really just the beginning. I feel like I’ve made thousands of cocoons in my 22 years, but I feel like I have millions more to make over my lifetime. I am constantly evolving and it isn’t cut and dry, it’s real and emotional – but I am finally realising that that is ok.

I’ve come to the conclusion that caterpillars do feel self-loathing, confusion and depression, but they are so small and so are we! Have you ever thought about how small we are? How many of us fight with our minds and feel totally alone? But we aren’t, we’re all just struggling out there to build a cocoon and turn into who we’re meant to be.

So, I am going to start my new job with a new, content mind, non of these juxtaposing thoughts. I can and will try my best to start building my metaphorical cocoon and I hope you guys will too.



4 thoughts on “Caterpillars?

  1. Hi Rachel!

    I have missed talking to you, but your post has really lifted me up.

    Yeah…life is messy. That’s what makes it exciting. Based on what I am reading here, you have a LOT to be excited about. First off, I want to send my CONGRATULATIONS to you: First Class Honours degree AND your dream job. Way to rock it, girl!! I am so proud and excited for you.

    So, is it insane to worry AND be excited? No, that’s normal. After almost fifteen years of the same job I left and started a new job in January and worried and excited would be a great way to describe it. I would be more concerned if you didn’t feel this way; not insanity in the least.

    Change is hard. The unknown is hard. Think of it as if you’re traveling to a new country though. Embrace all the learning you’ll do, all the new people you’ll meet, all the laughs you’ll have at silly mistakes you make, and the elation that you’ll feel as you accomplish big things. It’s like two sides of a scale: you have to have weight on both sides or the balance is off.

    I love your caterpillar analogy. Perfect. I think you’ve already reached butterfly, so imagine how much more beautiful you and your life are going to get. Life does change many times over. That’s why your analogy is so great. After secondary school you went to university. Now you are moving into the next phase. Then there will be marriage, children, travels, unexpected experiences – both good and bad – but they are all restarts. The grandest part of all, though…while you move to new cocoons, you get to take the best pieces of the old ones with you.

    Here is your final paragraph again…“So I am going to start my new job with a new content mind, non of these juxtaposing thoughts. I can and will try my best to start building my metaphorical cocoon and I hope you guys will too.” …You will. You can. I will. You’re amazing. I’ve missed your amazing writing and it’s good to connect again.

    Now go knock them out of the water with your amazing self!


    1. Hello there 🙂

      You too, I’m so happy to hear from you; especially when it’s such a kind and special post such as this one. I was sat in a coffee shop and it nearly brought a tear to my eye, along with the biggest smile. I find it so extraordinary how a stranger, such as yourself, can have such a positive impact on my mood, and it made me think that we need more people like you in the world!

      Secondly, thank you for the congrats, I was completely gob smacked at getting a 1st, and I send a congratulations right back at you for attaining a new job, which I hope you love as you definitely deserve the best.

      I think your way of viewing the cocoon idea – with taking the best pieces of the old cocoon with me through my life ‘journey’ is fantastic, I’m so glad that you understood my way of thinking and since coming up with this analogy it really has made me think and reassess a few things.

      Please please carry on writing and let me know how things are getting on! Speak soon, Rachel x


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