Confusion.

I’ve realised that I’ve been quiet for a while and that I do miss writing here; I don’t feel myself.

My last post was at Christmas!? A lot has happened recently, I’m playing a confusing game of cat and mouse, trading one pain for another. On one hand, I feel like I’m getting somewhere, but on the other I feel like I’m getting worse.

I’ve come off my Proranolol in order to find out what’s wrong with my heart, but now I have a constant migraine. I’m still on my Sertraline for my depression but I’m still having exceptionally bad days…so far, the migraine pain is slightly down as I’ve started new heart tablets, but my time spent crying is going way up, but now I don’t want to let people know. My drive to revise and do work is down and I’m having a really hard time doing these thing, but then I know I need to do them. I can’t concentrate. I can’t rest.

I’ve found out I have an ectopic heartbeat and IST, I feel relieved but at the same time I wish I was ‘normal’.

I feel like I’m losing my community here on SunnyandStormy. I don’t feel strong enough to advocate for anything. I feel like a shadow of my reflection, some foreign ghost.

Somehow, though, I feel closer to who I used to be before I became so depressed. Yes, I’m crying, but I’m also thinking about a future for myself, I am looking at job opportunities and I recently met a lady who I aspire to be (which was amazing). A future beyond depression.

Is this recovery? Is this relapse? Or am I in the middle of a change that’s impossible to predict?

I feel like we can’t ever really predict where we’re headed at all in life, some days I find really difficult and others are way too easy. We can try, we can plan things and make goals and maybe even reach them, but actually getting to the finish line is an illusion.

I keep forgetting how far I’ve actually come, how many rooms and phone calls I’ve had with various counsellors and psychiatrists. I can actually sleep at night, eat a full meal and speak to a random person without wriggling and perspiring excessively.

I’m frustrated, I’m confused as hell, but I think I’m where I’m meant to be. I’m not comfortable but I don’t want to die right now. I want to live. I’m moving. Walking from room to room is better than just standing in one spot.

I wish I could tell you where we’re heading.  I mean, I started this blog thinking that I could somehow eradicate stigma around depression and give people the hope to continue living. And maybe that’s what this blog is doing…but I never thought it would end up like this, with me questioning my sanity as I recover.

I feel like I need help but I don’t know who from. Do I need to help myself, or do I need a shoulder to cry on? I don’t even know what I want.

Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for waiting and for reading. That’s all I know.

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