I’ve never been a big fan of roller-coasters, I’m not keen on theme parks, and I’m now more than ready to be released off the roller-coaster that’s also known as ‘My Life’. Some days are amazingly brilliant and some days are incredibly bad. I am struggling and I feel I need to tell you all what’s going on simply because it makes me feel better, selfish I know but hayho!
I’m finding my work load extremely difficult and on top of that I’m applying for graduation schemes that I feel I have no chance of actually getting. I’m utterly terrified about my future, I feel so vulnerable and the disappointment of not passing a numeracy test (which I like to blame on my Dyslexia) sends my depression in a downward spiral. As for my self-esteem, well that’s gone down the toilet completely.
Some of my most cared about, amazing, close friends and family are really struggling too. Which, as selfish as it sounds, makes me feel a little better. It means I can focus my attention on helping them instead of worrying about myself. Not only that, it’s also made me realise that I’m not the only person in the world struggling with my workload or my future. The only thing that kills me inside is the feeling that I can’t help them enough, regardless of how much sweat and tears I put in.
Lastly, in the past two weeks, my migraines have got worse. My head hurts from the moment I wake up to the moment until I fall to sleep. I haven’t attended cricket as I don’t have the motivation. I don’t want to attend lectures because I just sit there holding back tears for the full hour, and I’m scared of attending seminars just in case the tutor asks me to answer a question I don’t know the answer too, plus I don’t like the sound of my own voice. I have zero energy, I can’t sleep properly, and I feel weak, cold and grouchy. All of this is turning my depression several shades darker.
I have to push to do my work; keep writing essays and reading more. So those are my short-term goals to survive the oncoming colder weather and the other stressors I’m dealing with. However, I’m lacking inspiration, energy, and drive. When my work is completed I always worry it isn’t good enough which increases my anxiety and reduced my self-esteem even more, although I think I have hit rock bottom now.
Writing blogs help me a lot but I can’t seem to find the time or the motivation at the moment, but I am determined to keep writing to help me and in turn, help you. It would be ridiculous for me to stop writing about depression when I am in the thick of it and your support really does help with my self-confidence.
So here’s to never giving up! And to being real about what you’re dealing with. I’ve found that when I haven’t been honest with my therapist it helps me in the short term, but as soon as I put the phone down that feeling of being deceptive in order to help my emotions for 30 minutes makes everything worse. If we aren’t honest about our struggled and what we need, no one knows how to help.
Comments on my posts really help me too! Let’s get through this together. 🙂