Feeling worthless, migraines and depression go hand-in-hand. They all occur simultaneously, one starting the other. All this pain I am in with migraines is reminding me of the immobility of depression, how stranded I feel, how abandoned by life. The fact I also feel so worthless makes me so fed up and I can feel my self-confidence slowly leaking out of every pour in my body.
I don’t really remember a time when I haven’t had a headache or a migraine and the most agonising part about it all is the fact I know I am creating this pain myself – but that little voice just isn’t shouting loud enough. I am sick of feeling so worthless, I am sick of my lacking self-worth getting in the way of me living my life. I am scared of applying for jobs as I truly believe I am not capable of doing any of the tasks. I am fearful of leaving my boyfriend for two weeks while he’s working as I believe he will find someone better – which isn’t hard. The simplest of tasks are consuming me with dread.
I need to stop beating myself up for being in pain and not believing in myself because depression and migraines are not my fault, and yet I am hiding from the world. I am not going out, accepting job opportunities or allowing my boyfriend to live his own life. I can feel the pain rushing from my body, through to a text message, which then transmits to his. I know it isn’t fair but he’s the only person I can talk to and what overwhelms me the most is how hard he tries to understand both my mental and physical pain, and I know I am so lucky to find someone like that.
The pain is now screaming at me, it’s affecting every aspect of my life…including sleep which I’m REALLY unhappy about (I love sleep). When my now is all I can think about, it’s easy for me to think that my future can bring nothing but more pain and suffering. So I think I need to let those parts scream, scream their hearts out until I’m exhausted and I can’t fight any more. Then I’ll be able to breathe.
I have to stop comparing myself to others, stop wishing things were different, stop fighting against the current and let my life drift, as change is the only constant. I need to get more help and that way my relationship and migraines will receive help too.
I hate this post and its lack of cohesiveness but I just had a few things to get off my chest. I am not going anywhere so I’ll try and not to be as silent as I have over the past week or so, even if it does make for messy writing…