I think I was born a little different than what is perceived as ‘normal’. I’ve always felt my brain is overactive and I feel emotion far too much. As far back as my memory can take me, I’ve felt anxious about certain situations. It wasn’t until I was twelve that I was informed these feelings had a specific name, I just thought it was known as life.
I think I truly started to question how different I was from my friends when my parents separated. The separation didn’t last long, only a day or so after my father realised what devastation he had caused. However, my mind didn’t comprehend that my father had come back, but carried on questioning ‘who is next going to leave?’ My grandfather was next to leave, then my friend Chris due to a traffic incident, followed by another close friend who fell into a coma who fortunately woke up. Death visited my family and took one of the most inspirational, caring people I had the honour to know from me, my grandfather. I dealt with my grief by locking myself in my bedroom with a box of tissues.
The Summer proceeding the darkness lingering around in my mind, I was too afraid to go to birthday parties, sleepovers and even school. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my own home when I was too concerned that someone would be packed up and ready to leave me as soon as I entered the school gates. As the final school bell rang I’d run to the bottom of the school drive and wait for my mum to pick me up whilst rubbing my hands together and holding tears back if she was more than 5 minutes late. Finally my mum decided it was time to seek help. I was referred to an NHS child Psychologist which did wonders for helping me cope. Slowly but surely I was able to go to the cinema with my friends, go to girly sleepovers and go back to school.
For years I was coping, but ever since starting University my self-confidence and Depression has fallen hard and fast. I realised there were new things weighing me down. I received an F1 in an essay and it was finally concluded I had Dyslexia. The isolation of first year plunged me into suicidal thoughts, and once my isolation was resolved by meeting my boyfriend, I am constantly scared that he is going to leave me due to finding someone better. I trust him, I just don’t believe I am good enough for him. Similar to how I don’t believe my intelligence is good enough to achieve a respectable grade at University.
I broke down in my boyfriend’s arms, expressing the ways in which I plan to commit suicide, and that’s when I began my journey into the NHS mental health system. I pushed all my friends away, the only friend I had was my Doctor, and I was constantly dreaming of how I could end it all. I am seeing a therapist now and on a ton of medications, but this is where my story ends and my adventure of a better life begins…
I realise I am one of the luckier than most. I have fought through and achieved a high 2:1 in my second year at University. I never did try to commit suicide as I found help at the peak of my darkness, but for every person that finds a way to control their emotions there are around ten in the shadows that never do. Fighting Depression, Anxiety and other mental health issues is a constant, daily battle but there is hope. So please, read my experiences, share your understandings and we can make it through, together.